**I am not the OP. Originally posted...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Sw33tSkitty on 2025-08-18 01:24:56+00:00.

I am not the OP. Originally posted by u/throwRA_badhusband in r/trueoffmychest (and relationshipadvice and longdistance)

Trigger warning: emotional cheating, war and death mentioned, gun violence mentioned, child neglect, mental illness, pregnancy loss mentioned, religious trauma, racism and islamophobia

Mood spoiler: very bleak

First BORU post: link

First post: July 13 2024

My wife and I are long-distance. She works abroad. I take care of our sons (4 and 3) and do odd jobs. Originally we lived with her but our kids ended up put in a dangerous situation and I didn’t want that to happen again. Quitting her job wasn’t an option in her eyes so I moved to our home country with the kids while she stayed. She visits us a few times a year. I moved in with close family friends.

It was a hard and painful decision. I had a lot of resentment over my wife prioritizing her job over our family. But I love her. I couldn’t imagine not being with her. I thought about divorce but we decided to try to work things out.

The other woman was my friend when we were little kids. After my mother died I left my hometown and moved in with my dad and didn’t see that friend. But I stayed connected with some other people from that town throughout my life and when I moved back home with the kids I started visiting my hometown more. To see my mom’s grave and visit my old neighbors. When I met my old friend again I was excited to see her, but I’m nostalgic for everything from my childhood, it started out innocent. I was just happy to have another connection to that part of my life. Anyway she has a son too who is 6, and so we ended up taking our kids to the park together while we had a coffee and caught up. It was innocent and I told my wife I’d reconnected with her and my wife was fine with it. She jokingly asked if she should be jealous but she didn’t mean it. She trusted me. So I feel so terrible.

We met up a couple times a month from then on. I don’t really know when it lost its innocence. But I realized I started becoming infatuated with her. We’d hug every time we met up and before we left and I would feel so wistful when she would hug me. She would start talking about how her ex mistreated her and her son and I felt so protective. She started making comments like, “(My son) is so good with (your sons), it’s like they are brothers!” And I talked to her about some of the stuff that bothered me about my relationship with my wife and she sympathized.

I realized that I enjoyed the attention and I found myself entertaining fantasies that I was with her instead. I kept thinking about if I had never met my wife and had instead moved back home and reconnected with my old friend, and we’d somehow had our same kids only with each other, we both could have been happy and been spared so much pain. If I’m trying to be objective, she’s a better match for me than my wife. She puts her kids first. She appreciates me for who I am. My wife does too but I feel like me and the kids are always an afterthought for her. Even when she’s home and spending time with us she is always, always thinking about her job. My wife is a good person and she does good work. But her job traumatizes her and she was already tramautized before she started it. She started doing her job to cope with her past but she’s also retraumatizing herself over and over. And my kids and I pay the price. I’m not trying to justify my actions I’m just trying to explain. My childhood friend was always complimenting me on my looks, how good of a dad I am, my physical strength. It’s like she appreciated the unique things about me. And I feel like my wife loved me just because I was there for her. Like she would have loved anyone who loved her and I was just the only one who did. It wasn’t always like that but that’s how it started to eventually feel with my wife being so distracted by her job all the time. I didn’t really notice it until I reconnected with my friend and noticed the contrast.

I should not have let things get that far I know. But at first it was just an occasional thought and I just brushed it off as intrusive thoughts and telling myself, yeah, everyone has inappropriate thoughts, but what matters is your actions. But I just let it go too far. In hindsight some of our “friendly banter” was really more like flirting and it was not appropriate. That’s an action, not a thought.

Anyway today was a reality check. She said she wanted to talk to me about something serious without the kids there so I let my other friend who I live with baby-sit and met up with her. And she basically confronted me with the fact that we obviously have feelings for each other and said I should leave my wife for her.

But it was like immediately I realized the amount of bullshit I was feeding myself and her. I instantly felt so bad, I didn’t deny having feelings but maybe I should have. She kept insisting I think it over and when she saw how upset I was she said she’d let me think it over then left. I should have told her, no, there is nothing to think over, I love my wife and I’m not leaving her. But I didn’t say anything. That in itself is weighing on me.

I need to tell my wife. I know. I just don’t even know where to begin. Next time she’s coming home is October. I feel like this is the kind of thing to say face-to-face but I don’t want to wait that long. And I don’t want her to come all this way to have a nice time and ruin it. I could leave the kids with my friends and go visit her. But on top of the money issues and logistical issues even that thought makes me sick. I keep imagining her smiling and being delighted to see me and then how devastated she’s going to be when I tell her. I can’t stop thinking about her face. I feel sick. I don’t want to tell her at all and just never see my childhood friend again (I’m also mad at myself for letting my stupid fantasies ruin a friendship and a precious memory but I know it would be wrong to keep seeing her and impossible to just be normal friends now) but I know honesty is the best policy. I owe it to her to be honest.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel so wrong and stupid. I don’t want to tell my friends. I think one

Edits on the original post:

EDIT: Okay these comments are overwhelming and I need to sleep. Tomorrow I’m going to talk to my friends about what’s going on and (after being yelled at probably) see if they’ll be able to watch my kids while I visit my wife and tell her what’s going on. If not I can probably ask a few other people. If not then I’ll just tell her over Zoom. I’m also going to text my childhood friend that I don’t want to see her again and then block her. I’m not going to leave my wife. If she leaves me I’m going to stay single. I’m not going to date my ex-friend. I will always love my wife and I don’t think it would be fair to anyone for me to date anyone else while I still love her.

To stop from having to answer the same questions over and over, my wife is an aid worker. She doesn’t do it for the money. She does it because she believes God called her to do it. I do gig jobs and sometimes construction. I choose to work more flexibly and spend more time with my kids. I put my wife through college, I’m not freeloading off her (I am kind of freeloading off the friend I live with, I’ll admit that. But we’re all happy with this arrangement.) The reason I left with the kids is because we got carjacked at gunpoint. My wife changes location a lot so living somewhere safe but still closer to her isn’t really an option. It’s either travel with her officially through her organization, or stay put somewhere. I don’t think my childhood friend originally intended to cheat with me, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.

EDIT 2: Everyone telling me to get a stable job so my wife can come home, you misunderstand. You think my wife and I haven’t spoken about this? She is never going to quit her job. She made that very clear. Her job is her priority. I promise you she’s not doing it for the money. I’m not forcing her to do it by refusing to work more. If she said she would even consider quitting if I found a more stable job I’d do that in a heartbeat.

Anyway I talked stuff over with my friends. They were understanding. The plan is to fly over and see my wife next week ish, but we still have to make arrangements. I thought about contacting my wife’s boss to see if we could do a surprise visit, but it seems like it would be so cruel to show up and surprise her and make her happy to see me only to break her heart. So instead I called my wife saying everyone is OK but I have something bad to tell her that she should hear in person and I’m going to fly out to see her. She said I should just tell her because otherwise she’s going to worry about it the whole time. So I almost did. But then she said “No, don’t tell me. I want to see you.” So I didn’t.of them would be really angry at me for almost cheating and the other might actually encourage me to leave my wife. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do because I can’t process.

[Second Post](https…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1mt8jgq/new_to_this_sub_update_oop_has_an_emotional/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•1 month ago

    *NEW TO THIS SUB UPDATE*

    April 5th 2025

    I’ve posted here before about a major mistake I made while my wife was abroad working as an aid worker, I’ve also posted about how we recently found out she has OCD. Her form of OCD was that she thought God was constantly talking to her telling her to do things and reminding her of all the bad things that were happening in the world. Anyway since she found out she was pregnant she has been getting treatment for it, and for a while things were looking up. I don’t mean to be selfish but for a while I felt like I could have my “old wife” back - she really wasn’t really like this when we first got together. But it wasnt just for my sake I was hoping that with treatment she’d be happier herself and also be able to be there for our kids more.

    However, ever since Trump took office my wife’s mental health has taken a turn for the worst. She has always been completely devastated about Palestine, but when she was at her job her job was a distraction from it, and when she got home and didn’t have the distraction it was rough but she was actively working on being able to cope. However, when Trump started cutting funding for aid programs, she found out that the organization she works for would be doing layoffs and she might not have a job to go back to she completely lost it. Her coworkers were giving her updates from the ground, there were a lot of rumors, for a few days she was basically just curled up in bed texting, reading the news, and panicking. I didn’t know how to support her during that time, nothing I tried to do for her made a difference, she didn’t want the kids to see her in that state so she just kept telling me to go spend time with them, she left her room only once during that time to go to therapy. But then the day after that she left the house without telling me to go protest by herself by walking along the main road holding a sign. Luckily she did tell my best friend where she was going, and my best friend went with her and texted me what was up. At first I was just glad she was feeling well enough to get out of bed.

    However, now she does this more days a week than not, she spends more time doing this than she spends with our kids. I’ve gone with her a few times, my best friend goes with her a lot. Even if she wasn’t protesting I’d be worried about her walking on that road, people drive really fast and aren’t expecting pedestrians. However my other worry is that this is a very white and conservative area, a lot of people have guns, and my wife not only is out there protesting things that most people here agree with but she will actively shout at people who drive by with Trump stickers on their cars. There have been a few times when people will shout at her, a few people have pulled over to argue with her, and if that happens she doesn’t try to deescalate or anything, she will scream back at them. She has asked a few times if our kids can come with her, I said no because I was afraid someone could hurt or threaten them, and she agreed not to take them. But when I mention that it would be just as horrible for our kids if they lost their mom and unborn brother because someone hurts HER, she brushes it off. No one has done anything physical yet, but there are some psychos out there and it only takes one.

    She has also stopped doing therapy, stopped doing the workbooks her therapist gave her, and won’t take her medication and didn’t get her prescription refilled. She says that she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her, there is something wrong with all the people out there who AREN’T protesting. I asked her if she doesn’t want to get better and be able to be happy and she says happiness isn’t for her.

    Another thing is that this is effecting our relationships with our neighbors. We were already “odd” in this area, we are not white and my wife is Muslim, we sometimes get looks and I’ve felt like I’ve had to “earn” acceptance from the neighbors. People will almost never be directly rude to us, but if I say “My wife is a Muslim” I can tell that what they hear is, “My wife is a terrorist.” If I said “My wife is a liberal Muslim” that wouldn’t go over much better. I’ve just kind of had to pretend I don’t notice the reactions and keep being friendly until they decide my family is normal, I also try to always find a way to casually mention that my late mother was white and grew up in this area. However I can tell people are acting different around me now. A few people avoid me, some have awkwardly been like, “So I saw your wife the other day”, I haven’t been getting as much gig work, and worst of all, one of my son’s best friend is no longer allowed to come over to our house. They outright told me, “He can come over here, but I don’t want him to go to your house anymore.” It felt like such a slap in the face, since I’ve babysat that kid so many times for FREE.

    Since Israel broke the ceasefire it’s been at its worst, she has been out there every day for hours. I feel so heartbroken for my kids, who don’t understand, and for my wife, who is her own worst enemy. I can’t force her to get help, but I have no idea what else to do. She’s at least been keeping up with her prenatal appointments, and she’s promised me that when our son is born she’ll stop protesting, but I almost don’t know if I believe her because it almost seems like she’s not capable of that. How do I handle this?

    (Comments were mixed between supportive of OOP’s wife and concerned for her. A few commenters suggested she had another mental illness besides OCD.)

    Some comments of OOP’s for context:

    In response to someone suggesting the wife might have shizophrenia and asking if she seemed like she was having conversations with an invisible person:

    No, she’s never done that. I know what you’re talking about, I see homeless people do that a lot and my wife never does it.

    The therapist explained it better than I could. But basically, people with schizophrenia who think they hear God are actually hearing a voice in their head. But my wife doesn’t hear a voice. She has obsessive thoughts about bad things happening in the world, and feels like she has to fix it. This started happening to her suddenly, and her own explanation for it was that it was a message from God, because she didn’t know any other explanation. But she doesn’t actually hear a voice saying, “(my wife’s name), I want you to go protest on the street.”

    In response to people saying he should be more supportive of his wife’s protests:

    I am not trying to be flippant. I didn’t want to make my post too long and I figured it should go without saying that obviously, what is happening in Palestine is horrific. I know it triggers my wife because of things she experienced in her own childhood and things her family has experienced. I’m not saying she shouldn’t protest at all, but I wish she wouldn’t do it in such a dangerous way and risk her own safety and the safety of our unborn son. I want her to be able to be happy and go to therapy so she can find a healthy way to deal with her emotions. Her emotions are totally valid but the way she’s dealing with it doesn’t help her.

    She is a good person and I love her so much, I really hope it doesn’t lead to violence, but even without violence it’s not a good road and I’d be worried someone could hit her ACCIDENTALLY, there are almost no pedestrians there and she doesn’t just stay in one spot, she walks and crosses a lot of areas that a lot of cars are coming in and out of with no street lights. I also wish she would only hold a sign and not scream at people, because she might scream at the wrong person who would be crazy enough to attack her.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•1 month ago

      EDIT: OOP updated on his profile

      I got like 15 people asking if my family is OK and several assholes telling me to leave my wife.

      My baby son is safe and healthy.

      My wife is doing better. She had a healthy birth but she developed postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. She told her therapist she was worried she wouldn’t be able to take care of the baby and would harm him, the therapist recommended she check herself in to a mental hospital and she did. At the hospital they said her risk of actually hurting the baby is low and they were just intrusive thoughts and put her back on medication to manage them. She was only there for three days.

      She says she still feels pretty depressed and angry about what’s happening but she is a little more functional now. She’s been back in therapy, doing an online support group, and taking her medication. She promised she wouldn’t stop taking it again without talking to me and her therapist first. She has been crocheting baby beanies to donate and doing a postnatal yoga video since her therapist recommended she do something physical to stay grounded. She hasn’t protested since our son was born but she does mostly wear protest shirts and has gotten in two public arguments about them. I’m not going to ask her not to do that because both times it was the other person that started the argument and my wife is right. Me or one of my friends usually goes with her when leaves the house just in case anything happens.

      My wife officially lost her job and she is pretty devastated but she knew it was coming. We don’t know what we’re going to do from here on but we’re just trying to enjoy this family time for now. Playing board games, watching cartoons and reading books. Our oldest just started kindergarten. One thing that makes me happy is that my wife has been speaking to the baby in Somali and teaching our older kids some Somali and Arabic songs. Somali is her native language but she never spoke it to our older kids before.

      I am never going to leave my wife. You can’t leave your loved one just because they get sick. And mental illness is a real illness just like cancer or diabetes. For the person who told me to leave her and get with my childhood friend - that would be horrible and I would never do that, and I’ve hardly even thought about that girl for months.