**I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Intrepid_Cut337** **Originally posted to r/AITAH** **AITAH for spending Christmas/New Year with my ex in-laws...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-01-16 05:00:07+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Intrepid_Cut337

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for spending Christmas/New Year with my ex in-laws because my family invited my ex over for Christmas?

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, possible favoritism, betrayal

Mood Spoilers: sad, disgusting and disappointing

Original Post: January 3, 2026

Basically we split after age came out as a lesbian at the start of 2025. We’re both 42 now and we’re together for nearly 17 years.

I wanted no contact with her. Which I’ve been able to avoid her relatively well - my family had a relationship with her which I can’t avoid (their excuse is that she’s been in their lives so long she’s part of the family herself) but it hasn’t affected me up until now.

My ex and her own family always got along and I had a great relationship with them myself. Particularly her mum. When she came out, they all fell out and they disowned her (they’re from a Caribbean background so there’s an element of homophobia there).

The original plan for Christmas/New Year was that I was going to spend the time at my folk’s. It would have been nice after the year I’ve had. But at the start of December, my mum told me she spoke to my ex and she had no one to spend Christmas with so she invited her to have dinner with us. I wasn’t happy with that at all and my mum basically said she hates the thought of someone having no one at Christmas. So I said I don’t think I want to go and I’d rather spend Christmas on my own. She thought I was being dramatic.

I not long Fter that received a Xmas card from my ex in-laws so I rang them and thanked them. It was lovely to catch up and my ex mil asked me what I’m doing for Christmas. I said about my situation and I don’t think I am going to my folk’s and she invited me to spend Christmas with them and said I’m always welcome. I said why not and I’d go and stay with them.

I told my mum s few days before I’m definitely not going and she was gutted, saying I should reconsider. I went to my ex’s family and I had a great time. They made proper Caribbean food (curry goat) and I enjoyed their company. I enjoyed it so much that I stayed until new year. I’m definitely going to stay in contact. I even reconnected with my ex Sister In Law while I was there. I dare say there was a bit of flirtation there but I didn’t act on it (although I still might, the years young yet - she did give me her number and said we can go out anytime).

When I got back home yesterday, my mum was angry with me. She said I ruined Christmas and I was a bad person for spending time with people like my ex in-laws. Apparently loads of people in my family aren’t happy with me too.

AITAH for spending time with my ex in-laws over my own family because they invited my ex?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs, YTAs, and ESHs

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am posting the common questions asked and comments

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Ok this is probably going to get me fussed at, however I want to preface this statement with I am a member of the LGBTIA+ community. I do not like homophobes or homophobia in general and think we can all agree that the exs families’ beliefs are skewed wrong. And yes they should be held accountable, disagreed with, shouted down, and disliked by the majority of the world.

However this whole situation has a caveat I don’t believe a lot of commenters have really thought to deeply on. The ex strung this person along for 17 years to hide themselves. She lied to OP an innumerable number of times throughout that 17 years. She should have dated around never getting serious with anyone if she was trying to hide. Thus not causing too much hurt to anyone except herself.

I will agree the she was probably terrified of losing her family, however she caused real trauma and pain to someone she “loved” for 17 years by not being truthful to herself or him. We also don’t know if there was any infidelity from her, which might be a question in the back of OP’s brain, because obviously he can’t trust anything she says.

I know that it was her families fault, to a degree, that she hid her true self. And what her family has done is completely wrong. She had other options but choose the worst one that would cause an innocent person to be hurt for years, and carry that pain for the rest of OP’s life. She was a hundred percent wrong, and the fact that his family thought they could bully him into being with someone who hurt him so much ON CHRISTMAS, is even more wrong to him. The fact that she apparently mentioned to his mother how she would be alone, probably to get an invite. And the mother did invite her because she “shouldn’t be alone” but op should or be uncomfortable. The plain fact is someone who would do that should be alone at least for a bit, they should face consequences of their actions.

I say all this to say op was traumatized by his ex with 17 years of lies. He lost a good portion of his life to someone who was too cowardly to at least be honest with him. His response to hang out with bigots afters being hurt by someone of the hated group is sort of human and understandable right now. It is a family that loves him and is nice to him. Everyone on here is talking about hating bigots, which I agree with I didn’t come out till late in life because of the bigots in my life. But I also never drug some poor unknowing person down the path I choose, crushing their heart after 17 years.

Right now I’m willing to give OP grace he was hurt deeply first by the women he loved for 17 years then by the family he loved his whole life. This is a trauma response, I refuse to believe with no evidence that OP had always been homophobic, which I agreed would make him a bad guy. What I read this as, including the flirting with the ex’s sister, is someone who is hurt and reacting in a way to hurt the person who hurt them. I could be wrong and OP could be everything everyone is accusing him of, however I read a story written by a very hurt man who is yes reacting poorly, but is honestly just being human.

It could take many years of therapy for OP to even understand fully what he is feeling, which by the way OP I would really look into for yourself. Im not saying you are wrong to be hurt, or there is anything wrong with you. But therapy would help you process this all in a healthier way, a way in which in the end you don’t become a hateful person who hurts others, or hides in his hate. OP I knowing your hurting you have every right to hurt, you have every right to be mad at your ex and your family. However if you continue down this path of hate, I hope you weren’t on before all of this, when you come to the end of the path you will probably dislike yourself for the choices you have made. Right now in this choice of where you spent christmas I understand why you choose to be with a family that wanted to include you with out pain, however going further with this will permanently change you for the worse.

I give you grace now because the pain is fresh and hard however if you continue or date the sister you will be setting yourself up to become what we need less of in this world, hatefully bigoted. Work hard on yourself, understanding the hurt you’ve been through and don’t let it change you into something your not. And know not everyone in the community acts as she did and do not paint us all with the same brush as her, if you do it will allow you to hate indiscriminately and hurt other who are innocent.

Sorry for the long response, and remember my opinion is only of one person and obviously not indicative of a whole group of people. Just get yourself someone knowledgeable to talk to and help you work through this pain she and your family caused. It would also give you the words to use to express yourself clearly and openly and might even help you explain in a way your family gets why you were hurt.

OOP responds to multiple comments about being alone for Christmas and if it was a deal breaking for a family that ostracize their child for being gay

OOP: No it’s not a deal breaker because they actually like me and didn’t want me to be alone on Christmas. Whereas my own family didn’t care if I was alone.

That’s the difference. My family showed me they didn’t care if their son was alone just because someone else would be. Whereas those people welcomed me and loved me despite not being blood related.

I do have friends, but no one invited me. And I’m not rude enough to go “I’m alone on Christmas, can I come to your house?”

It may be sad to you, but I felt the least alone I’ve felt all year.

Downvoted Commenter: Wow, what a self-centered narcissist, or at least that’s how you are presenting yourself. Wasted 17 years - were they good years? Did you love her and enjoy your time together? Then they weren’t wasted, they were good years and now it’s over. Happens all the time, whether she came out, or just fell out of love. You are expressing zero concern for her as a person. I am very LC with my former girlfriend because her verbal abuse, narcissism and mental illness drained me over 13 years and I just can’t. If there was abuse then I get your emotions but yo…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1qe6v4r/aitah_for_spending_christmasnew_year_with_my_ex/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•20 days ago

    Downvoted Commenter: Wow, what a self-centered narcissist, or at least that’s how you are presenting yourself. Wasted 17 years - were they good years? Did you love her and enjoy your time together? Then they weren’t wasted, they were good years and now it’s over. Happens all the time, whether she came out, or just fell out of love. You are expressing zero concern for her as a person. I am very LC with my former girlfriend because her verbal abuse, narcissism and mental illness drained me over 13 years and I just can’t. If there was abuse then I get your emotions but you’re coming off as a man who is furious that his partner prefers women over HIM!

    OOP: Most of them were good. The last few weren’t and the break up was awful. She hurt me bad. I found out that she was never attracted to me or my body, had to fake enthusiasm for sex, imagined women just to get off - the works. Then had the audacity to ask if we could be friends!

    OOP explains that spending Christmas with friends isn’t the same as with family

    Commenter 2: Well, it wasn’t your family was it?

    And why didn’t you spend Christmas with your child?

    OOP: They have been for 17 years. My child is at Uni and not in the same city as me. So it wasn’t an option.

    Why didn’t OOP invite a couple friends over?

    OOP: I didn’t want to invite anyone over? Didn’t think to, because I didn’t want anyone to know I’d be alone.

    Commenter 3: ESH

    Your parents shouldn’t have invited your ex for Christmas

    Your ex shouldn’t have accepted

    Your ex’s family shouldn’t have invited you

    You shouldn’t have accepted

    Her sister shouldn’t have flirted with you

    You shouldn’t be thinking of taking that further

    There’s billions of people on the planet absolutely no need for you two to get together, please don’t do it.

    OOP: I mean why not? She’s an attractive woman who likes me, and it’ll be nice to experience the feeling of someone who’s actually attracted to me rather than pretends to be.

    Commenter 4: Genuine question, and I do mean genuine. Is it possible that your mom is trying to get you and your ex to get back together? Like does she possibly not believe that your ex is actually a lesbian?

    OOP: No, I really do doubt it.

    Commenter 4: Second question. Did your mom invite your ex, or did your ex ask your mom to come? And did your ex bring a girlfriend if that’s possible for you to know? Because it seems wild and incredibly painful for you. I’m sure that your mom shows your ex over you. And I’m sorry that everyone is dog piling on you, I genuinely don’t believe you deserve it. At all.

    OOP: My mum did invite her first, I don’t believe she asked my mum if she could come. No idea if she brought anyone though, I haven’t asked.

    Commenter 5: YTA for spending the holidays with bigots and “reconnecting” with them. Period. It seems this isn’t really about your ex but more about you enjoying time with like-minded individuals which your birth family absolutely does not have to welcome into their lives.

    OOP: So I should have been on my own then?

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•20 days ago

      Update: January 9, 2026 (six days later)

      UPDATE AITAH for spending Christmas/New Year with my ex in-laws because my family invited my ex over for Christmas?

      This week, I had some missed calls from my cousin’s daughter’s number (second cousin? Not sure of the technical term. Her and my mum are close, and she was like a little sister to me as a teenager as she looked after her for her mum when she went to work). So I rang her back and she went off her head at me, calling me every piece of shit under the sun. I tried to give her my side, she wasn’t having any of it so I basically told her to fuck off.

      She blabbed to her own mum who then sends me message after message on her social media about how I spoke to her daughter (a fucking 30 year old woman no less) and how I’m treating my mum. I just blocked her. I’ll probably hear about it soon enough - she’s a narcissist who lies to make herself look better so will no doubt spin it to my uncle, other cousins and everyone who’ll listen. I don’t care, if anyone else says shit I’ll block them and cut them off and all.

      It’s obvious there my mum’s been talking shit about it so I basically rang her and confronted her. She admitted it, that she told people because she was “hurt”. I said basically she has no idea of the word and she, my dad and ex hurt me more than anything I could do to them. I told her I don’t want to talk anymore and don’t bother ringing me, I won’t bother ringing her. I got some texts later on from her, really long ones and I just deleted them without reading and blocked her number for now.

      Since I haven’t been speaking to her (not just this week but since Christmas) regularly I’ve been so much less stressed. It’s made me realise how much I’m leeched off by her. For all my adult life, she’s rang me twice a day and we speak for at least half an hour each time. Well I say “we” speak it’s usually a case of her talking and me listening. And it’s all trauma dumping too - the past few years it’s been worrying about my dad, worrying about her health, worrying about the dog, crying about certain cousins who died, even talking about how she thinks she’s going to die. Fucking twice a day I’ve had it for years - ironically my ex used to say I deserve a medal for putting up with it for so long (and now she’s up their arses, how does that work?!). Despite this situation being shit, I feel like a Burden’s been lifted.

      I heard from my ex MIL. I wished her happy new year and she messaged me back and we’ve been texting back and forth. It feels like a genuine conversation, like someone who actually cares about what I have to say. She said I’m invited to her birthday do in March and I am going to go. I know that won’t be popular of you who say I shouldn’t be in touch with bigots or the like but they’re the only people on earth at the moment who cares about me and I dare say love me so I’m not about to give that up and be on my own.

      I’ve also messaged ex SIL back too. We’ve spoke a bit and she’s not looking for anything serious as she’s just got out of a bad relationship herself so it’ll be a casual/FWB thing more likely. Suits me as that’s where I am too. We might hook up soon actually - not gonna lie, very excited by the prospect.

      Relevant Comments

      Commenter 1: You’re trying to sleep with your SIL and think you’re a victim? You’re even hanging out with her family but making a huge fuss about her hanging out with your family? Her family disowned her and your family are there for her what’s your problem? You sound like an idiot. No wander your relatives think you’re a jerk.

      OOP: More that people have a problem with me being close with her family yet think it’s ok for her to steal mine. My problem is that my family weren’t there for me yet there for someone who ruined my life essentially. If I’m a “jerk”, it’s because I’ve been raised by “jerks.”

      Did OOP’s ex tell him that she never loved him?

      OOP: She said she loved me but it was never romantic love - loved me but wasn’t in love with me.

      OOP responds to a downvoted comment about losing one person because of the way he wrote about his own family

      OOP: Do you really think I just lost one person? I’ve had to move, sell most of my belongings, lose my pet. I lost 17 years. Had to endure a year of fuck all sympathy and even laughter while I watch people cheer her on and support her. Now I’ve lost my family. She’s gained my family, loads of new friends, our cat and even a new community and their allies.

      Commenter 2: Op admitted in his latest post he’s a homophobe himself & thinks wife lied to him. Truth is comphet is a thing & there are people who come out as lesbians in their 60s (& gay men as well) because they genuinely thought they’re not meant to enjoy sex that much & everyone was pretending. Or that a genuine romantic connection doesn’t really happen & they have to make the choice accepted by society. Especially here since the ex wife has such a homophobic family. I’m personally acquainted with a situation like that as my ex bf came out as gay & my family & I stayed friendly with him. He wasn’t abusive or anything & I’m very proud that my family aren’t bigots & found it’s important to be a safe space for a gay man. Even if OP’s ex wouldn’t have come out, I’d say she did good for splitting, as it’s never a good idea to be married to someone who’d down to fuck your sister. Op is a pos.

      OOP: She did lie to me! She admitted she chose me because I was a nice guy and not like her abusive ex and not that she was attracted to me. She also admitted she secretly didn’t enjoy sex, wasn’t attracted to my body and had to imagine women to get off. That every orgasm that wasn’t faked wasn’t to do with me at all. She never was in love but loved me like a friend/family member. And expects me to remain friends? Lol. So now I’ve got to start over again middle aged, with all this baggage. No money. Older and not as attractive. You say it’s important to be a “safe space” for them but they never think about us and how they can just fuck us over and we just have to accept it and still be nice to them and ask for more. You and your family might be ok with being walked over, doesn’t mean I have to.

      Commenter 3: 1) Don’t hook up with ex-SIL. That’s not a good idea

      1. the ex-in-laws are not good people

      2. your family sucks too

      3. point blank tell your mom as long as your ex is in her life or the lives of anyone in your family, you’ll be zero contact with them

      4. you need therapy

      5. make new friends (preferably non-bigoted people)

      OOP: 1) Maybe not but it’s happening regardless.

      1. Maybe not but as everyone has pointed out, neither am I so at least we’re all going to hell together.

      2. Ah well, so I’ll be no worse off trading a shitty family for another one. At least this one actually seems to care about me.

      3. She now knows this. Isn’t stopping her sicking my family on me.

      4. Tried it, not really my cup of tea.

      5. I have friends.

      Commenter 4: You wrote a post that tries to imply your ex was evil, but didn’t mention your ex stole your cat…?

      OOP: I don’t want to talk about it really. Too painful.

      Editor’s note: marking this inconclusive because OOP has deleted his account

      DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

      THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP