This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-06 05:00:11+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Poppy_Blossom_90
My (34 F) boyfriend (34 M) is upset that I’d consider breaking my vegetarianism during a weeklong trip to Japan. How do I navigate this?
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
Original Post Sept 16, 2024
My boyfriend is upset that I’d consider breaking my vegetarianism during a weeklong trip to Japan.
I (34 F) have been vegetarian for about 4 years. My boyfriend (34 M) is a meat lover. He is an excellent cook and he loves steak and other types of meat. He’s never asked me to start eating meat. I have never asked him to stop eating meat. I don’t care what he eats; it’s 100% his (and everyone else’s) choice. I don’t talk about being vegetarian, don’t promote it, and I try to figure out my own food if I need to so I don’t inconvenience others. (Sometimes it’s hard to find a restaurant with a vegetarian choice besides a side salad so I’ll do the legwork to find a restaurant everyone will like.)
My choice to be vegetarian hasn’t SEEMED to be an issue or cause any big inconvenience. But maybe I’m wrong. When I went on vacation with my boyfriend’s family for a week, his mom revised her risotto recipe to use veggie broth instead of chicken broth so I could eat it. I didn’t ask; I think my boyfriend suggested it to her. I was really appreciative! When my boyfriend and I went on vacation for a week, we both looked up restaurants that would have a veg option for me. We mostly ate at seafood places because of where we were vacationing, and I managed to find a veggie burger or something like that at most places.
My take: I have a work trip to Japan coming up soon. I told my boyfriend I was considering eating meat during that week so I can fully experience the culture and food. That means sushi, wagyu, ramen, things like that. I’m not sure if I can actually get myself to eat meat during the trip because I think I’ll feel guilty about it (my choice to be veg is because I feel bad for how animals are raised, treated, farmed, and the nature of how they’re usually killed; I know I can get humanely raised meat but I choose to abstain all together). I miss sushi and steak the most, but again, I abstain.
My boyfriend’s take: He is upset that I would consider breaking vegetarianism for this weeklong trip, but I wouldn’t consider breaking vegetarianism to have a steak with him. It makes him feel like he’s not worth it. It makes him feel like the trip and the coworkers I’m going on the trip with are more important than him. I know he bonds over sharing food with people; he likes to cook for other people, and he’s never been able to cook a steak for me and we’ve never been able to share a steak dinner together. We’ve gone to steakhouses before but I just eat whatever else they have. It’s not the same as us both enjoying a steak. He also said that all the effort to accommodate me being vegetarian seems like a waste now (his mom going out of her way to make the risotto without chicken broth, looking up restaurants where I can eat something besides a salad, him cooking stir fry or other dishes and leaving the meat separate on the flat top grill until I serve myself the veggies and then after that he combines it all together with the meat, things like that, me not being able to enjoy the best shrimp he’s ever had on our vacation together.) He was to the point of tears over us not being able to eat a steak together.
I understand it would make him feel bad that I’d consider eating meat on the trip, but I haven’t offered to eat a steak with him. I feel terrible for making him feel this way and making him feel less important or less worthy. I apologized for this and apologized for making him feel this way. I told him that’s not it, it’s not that he’s not worthy, that this trip is probably once in a lifetime and I’m afraid that if I have a steak here at home with him I’m concerned it’ll become a slippery slope. I told him I don’t want to stop being vegetarian.
How do I navigate this?
EDITING TO ADD:
- When he told me how he felt about this I listened, apologized for making him feel so poorly, and validated him. I understand why he feels bad, and I should have thought about how this might go before I said it (that I’m considering eating meat on the trip) out loud.
- During the conversation I thanked him for telling me how he was feeling and thanked him for telling me how important that would be to him. So I offered to have a steak with him, and I also let him know I don’t want it to become a regular thing because I prefer to stay vegetarian (or “mostly” vegetarian I guess, since having steak with him wouldn’t be vegetarian.)
- I know sharing meals together is important to him. It’s also important to me. What I did not know, however, is that he was so badly wanting to have a steak together where I eat it, too. When he cooks meat I always comment on how good it looks and smells, and he HAS said before, “I wish you could taste this!” In hindsight, that comment from him was probably hinting at him wishing I’d offer to eat a steak with him.
- He hasn’t asked me “hey can you please eat a steak with me tonight” or “would you ever consider eating meat with me or for me?” If he asked me those questions and I said no, and then I said I’m considering eating meat in Japan, that would be a different conversation. I haven’t rejected him that way, but I also haven’t offered to eat steak with him either until this conversation came up.
- I didn’t know this specific thing was something he wanted so badly. I thought because he eats meat as much as he wants and we eat many meals together that he was satisfied in this area.
- We’ve never been to a vegetarian restaurant together. I try to make my vegetarianism as “small” as possible; I don’t want it to be a “thing.” I bring food to his house, I get a side salad or kid’s grilled cheese at restaurants that don’t have any other veg options. I don’t make it a big deal.
- I completely understand why he feels bad. That’s not what this post is about. I’m just wondering how to best move forward. I also just told him I was considering eating meat on that trip without thinking about it first; I didn’t think about how he’d feel (he’d feel slighted), I didn’t think about how I’d feel (I’d feel guilty and anxious about the thought of actually going through with eating meat), etc.
- When we talked about it, I brought up that I’ll have to slowly incorporate meat into my diet leading up to us having a steak together or to going to Japan if I choose to eat meat on that trip. I know that’s a thing.
- Considering how anxious I feel about actually thinking more about going through with eating meat, I think it’s best for me to just not eat meat on the trip. But now I still have to figure out how to address the topic with my boyfriend because now I know he wants me to eat steak with him, and I offered to do that for him.
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.
Update Oct 30, 2024
Original post from about 5 weeks ago:
Here’s what happened. This is going to be really long.
During the two weeks leading up to me leaving for Japan, we got into a couple big arguments, and about 5 days before I left he told me he can’t do it anymore. He can’t take all the arguing, he’s exhausted, I don’t take responsibility for the things I’m doing wrong, and all I do is focus on what he’s doing wrong. I don’t talk enough about the things that I need to fix about myself, I don’t talk about my insecurities enough, and I don’t take enough responsibility for the ways I communicate poorly and how that makes us fight.
A little more context about the arguments:
Argument 1:
We had a talk one Sunday about how I was feeling. He could tell I was down, and I told him I was feeling lonely. He asked how else I’d been feeling lately and I shared that I’ve also been conflicted about some work stuff and some family and friend stuff. We didn’t talk about the loneliness, just about the other things. He went into solution mode and was emotionless about it. It wasn’t what I needed, but I went through that process with him first since he seemed determined to get to the bottom of it. Throughout the discussion, a couple things rubbed me wrong way. First, he told me he doesn’t think I actually feel that way. And second, there was no empathy.
When he was done leading that discussion, he asked me how I feel. I told him poorly. The first thing I shared is that it’s disheartening when he asks me how I feel, I tell him how I feel, and then he replies with “I don’t think you feel that way.” This isn’t the first time this happened. Other times when he’s asked me how I feel or what I think about something, he’s told me: “I don’t believe you.” “I don’t think you feel that way.” “It doesn’t make sense to feel that way.” "I think you feel like that because of xyz [not because of the reason I gave him]. The second thing I shared is that I would have liked him to not only focus on analyzing the situation and to say something empathetic like, "Aw babe, that sucks you feel so lonely. I’m sorry to …
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gkqpe8/my_34_f_boyfriend_34_m_is_upset_that_id_consider/
If this is truly the best of reddit, then maybe I should kill this bot.
When he was done leading that discussion, he asked me how I feel. I told him poorly. The first thing I shared is that it’s disheartening when he asks me how I feel, I tell him how I feel, and then he replies with “I don’t think you feel that way.” This isn’t the first time this happened. Other times when he’s asked me how I feel or what I think about something, he’s told me: “I don’t believe you.” “I don’t think you feel that way.” “It doesn’t make sense to feel that way.” "I think you feel like that because of xyz [not because of the reason I gave him]. The second thing I shared is that I would have liked him to not only focus on analyzing the situation and to say something empathetic like, “Aw babe, that sucks you feel so lonely. I’m sorry to hear that. What’s going on?” I told him I appreciated the solution mode discussion and that helped, and I also needed some empathy.
He got quiet and his body language changed. I asked him if he’s upset. He firmly replied, “Yeah I’m upset!!” I asked why and he said because I’m only focusing on the things he did wrong. He tried so hard to handle the situation well and he did everything else right, but all I told him is what he did wrong.
I reminded him he did other things right. And I referenced back to other conversations where he has shared a grievance with me and I haven’t given him what he wanted in the moment (he wanted more empathy or more softness for example), and he’s quick to point it out and tell me what I’m not doing right and what he needs from me. This conversation kind of ended after that. I brought it up again a week or so later and he said sorry for not handling it well.
Argument 2:
He told me he was making plans to watch a horror movie with his friend, Erin. They periodically watch movies together just the two of them, and that’s fine by me. However, this made me feel insecure this time because I don’t feel like he gets excited to make plans with me, really tries to make or initiate plans with me (besides just hanging out at home or something or saying we should go to the brunch place we like nearly every weekend).
Anyway, I got really quiet and started tearing up in the moment, and I was trying to process how I felt and figure out if it’s worth bringing up or if I just need to handle it on my own and not tell him how I was feeling, because I know it’s an insecurity of mine. He asked me what’s wrong and I decided this is benign enough to talk about. I told him this made me feel really insecure. He told me it doesn’t make sense for me to feel that way, I shouldn’t feel that way, and he’s never done anything to make me feel that way. I explained myself and explained why. He loves horror movies and I want him to want to share that with me and I feel insecure about it. If the rest of our relationship was healthy, this probably would not have made me feel poorly. But I had been feeling not really wanted for a while, so this kind of tipped the scale. He persisted that it doesn’t make sense for me to feel this way and listed reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way.
Eventually he said okay and he understood what I was saying. He asked me if I felt heard and I said yeah I think so. Then he wanted a chance to say his perspective. He went right into how it doesn’t make sense for me to feel that way, why I shouldn’t feel that way, and that he’s never done anything to make me feel that way. I got so frustrated because that contradicted what I thought we just resolved when he said he understood my feelings. He got upset because I was bothered about it again after I just told him I felt heard. He said he wanted softness from me and I wasn’t receiving him well. We went back and forth after that, me trying to explain why his responses to me were bothering me, and him insisting the same things again. It never got resolved.
Argument 3:
I was leaving for Japan on a Friday night; my flight was at like 7 p.m. That same day he was going to drive about an hour away to spend the weekend with his best friend. We talked a few weeks prior and I said I wasn’t going to work that day so I could prepare for the trip, and we agreed we’d hang out that day but never firmed up any plans or times.
We went out to dinner and I asked him what time he was planning to leave on Friday to drive to his friend’s house. It was a genuine question with no feelings or anything attached. He replied between 3 and 5 p.m. I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but when he told me 3-5, I realized I felt bad because I wanted him to want to spend that time with me leading up to my flight, and maybe take me to the airport or something. I never expressed this to him previously. We didn’t talk about it yet. But in that moment, I told him I felt unconsidered and I wished he would have considered me.
I screwed up because I should have told him I wanted to hang out leading up to my flight instead of saying I felt unconsidered (But at the same time I don’t know if I would have felt comfortable telling him that because it would interfere with his friend time and change his plans; I’m not sure how he would have received that. Maybe well, maybe not.) He got really upset. I tried explaining why I felt unconsidered, and immediately his body language changed, he pushed himself back in his chair a little, made this smirk, scoffed, and started interrupting me. I got frustrated and heated and told him not to interrupt me when I was trying to explain my feelings, and I can see he’s about to get defensive. I was definitely triggered by his change in demeanor and his attempt to interrupt me. I thought to myself, “Not again. Not this time. Stand up for yourself and make sure you get to share your feelings.”
He got even more upset that I assumed he was going to get defensive, and he got upset I wouldn’t let him interrupt me. He said he DID consider me, his plan to leave between 3 and 5 wasn’t firm, and if I just let him interrupt me, this big fight wouldn’t have happened. He said my feelings weren’t appropriate because they were based on an incorrect assumption I made (the assumption I made was that he didn’t consider me, and that his plans to leave between 3 and 5 were firm). He told me he just pulled that timeframe out of the air and it wasn’t firm. He didn’t have dinner plans with his friend yet so it was all flexible.
When he explained himself I thanked him for explaining it, I apologized for assuming he didn’t consider me, and I told him I see his perspective. He was really upset with me though. So he explained again why what I did wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay that: 1) I assumed he didn’t consider me, 2) I said, “I wish you would have considered me,” 3) I called out his body language, and 4) I assumed he was going to get defensive.
Side note: Me saying “I wish you would” to him is a no-no because it makes him feel awful, so I have worked hard to not use that phrase with him. I failed this time.
I explained that those were my feelings based on the information I had at the time, and even though they were based on wrong information, it’s still okay for me to tell him how I feel first, and then he can set the record straight. Then he can say something like, “Oh these plans aren’t actually firm. Sorry you didn’t feel considered. The plans are flexible.” And I can say, “Okay, sorry for assuming that. I’d like to hang out up until I go to the airport.” That didn’t work for him. He insisted that if I just let him interrupt me none of this would have happened. I ended up reiterating his point and apologizing three times. Also, over the summer, something similar happened with the roles reversed. He assumed something incorrect and he was upset about it, and I interrupted him to tell him what the correct information was, and he told me I need to hear him out first before I chime in with the correct information, because his feelings are still his feelings and they should be heard. It’s hard to do, but I agreed. So I brought up that conversation as justification for why I should be allowed to tell him how I feel before he interrupts me. He still wanted to interrupt me because my assumption was wrong.
Then he got upset that I changed my stance so quickly. (When he told me the plans were flexible, I apologized for assuming he didn’t consider me and I told him okay, I understand, that works for me.) He said he feels crazy when this happens (when I feel bad about something, he explains his side, and then I say okay I understand and I let my original feelings go and I side with him). He said that I’m gaslighting him because it seems like a big deal to me, then he gets worked up, and then I back down. I tried to explain that it’s normal and healthy for someone to be told new information and then take that information into consideration, and change their approach. It’s healthy for me to hear him out and say, “Yeah, I made an assumption and I shouldn’t feel bad about this anymore.”
Anyway, he was really upset with me all night. The whole fight was because of my poor communication. When we woke up the next morning, I thought he was going to apologize to me. Apparently, he thought I was going to apologize to him. That’s when he told me it’s over.
TL; DR: He broke up with me. I’m back from the Japan work trip. I didn’t eat meat or seafood on the trip. I did have some soups made with fish broth since that was tough to avoid and that made me feel sick, but overall it went very well. I’m struggling now with the breakup.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
